Happy, Non-Offensive, Non-Denominational Christmas Play

One of the unexpected byproducts of a career in teaching is that I have attended many more holiday concerts than I ever thought I would. Most people perform in them from kindergarten up through about fourth or fifth grade, and if they are serious about music, through high school. And then, they don't set foot in a school auditorium again for about a decade and a half, when their own kids are kindergarten age. I, on the other hand, keep showing up to what feels like the exact same holiday concert year in and year out. At school concerts, I really only half pay attention to the execution of the music. Sometimes, I'm impressed with a kid who has some musical talent I wasn't previously aware of. Sometimes, one of the ensembles surpasses my expectations. Usually, I clap politely after each well-meaning number, but my mind is elsewhere.

What I find myself thinking about, more often than not, is the composition of the program. Every song, I've noticed, falls into of these four categories: 1) Explicitly Christian 2) Christmas-themed, but basically secular 3) Hannukah 4) Winter or Other. I haven't made a formal study of it, but I suspect that in the years that I have been attending holiday concerts, the number of "Category 1" songs has decreased and the number of "Category 3" songs has increased, and frankly, I'm not quite sure how to feel about that.

As a Jew, I should probably be pleased that Hannukah songs have made their way into the mainstream. We now have more representation than ever before. Hannukah is no longer just a footnote to the Holiday Season, as I used to sometimes feel it was when I was growing up. Even at the secular, but majority Christian school where I am one of only three Jews on the faculty, a menorah sits on display next to the Christmas tree in the front lobby. I should just call it a win and shut up and move on. And yet...

Call me a malcontent, but I always feel vaguely uncomfortable watching the school choir - composed of about 50% African-American students, and, like, 98% gentiles - singing about the joy of lighting the menorah and spinning the dreidel. It feels a little patronizing, especially when the Hannukah song is first in the program, as I've noticed it often is. "Consider that box checked," the subtext says, "Now that the Jews have been appeased, let's move on to the main event!"

There's also the fact that most beautiful Christmas songs, tend to be the most religious ones: "Silent Night," "O Holy Night," "Ave Maria." Because religion often equals controversy, these songs have become practically extinct from the holiday lineup. That's a shame. Just saying it's a shame makes me feel like one of those Christian conservatives with a bumper sticker that says "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" or "Keep Christ and Christmas."

They're right, though: Jesus is kind of the point. I can't stand the idea that all of the songs that mention him (i.e., the best ones) have been replaced by some generic Hannukah song written last year by a composer hoping to make a buck by selling it to school choral directors. We're not even talking "The Dreidel Song," here. I feel a weird sense of guilt to think that some dopey Hannukah song has supplanted "Silent Night" because someone thinks that we Jews want it that way. I'd love to make a public service announcement next year at my school, maybe in early November, when directors start to put their programs together: "This Christmas, please do not refrain from singing "Silent Night" on my account. I, along with many other Jews, enjoy Christmas carols - even ones that mention Jesus. I also recognize that music is an integral part of the Christmas and season in general, and a less important part of Hannukah. ("Ma O'tzur" is pretty good, and everyone likes "The Dreidel Song," but let's be honest.) As a Jew, I hearby vow not to be offended if you plan your holiday concert accordingly."

Honestly, f I were a school choral director, I'm not sure what I'd do with this kind of feedback. Probably nothing. They're damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they excise Hannukah music from the program, they're be in trouble. If they add the super-religious traditional carols, someone probably ends up complaining. And if they keep things the way they are... well I'll continue to feel vaguely uncomfortable in a way I almost can't put my finger on, but other than that, no harm no foul. All of this is to say, I don't expect any major changes and I think that the vast majority of school choral directors are doing an excellent job.

And with that, I'll put this subject on the back-burner once again, where it will likely stay until next December.

An early South Park episode satirized the idea of the politically correct holiday concert, completely devoid of references to Christianity or Jesus. The result was the "Happy, Non-Offensive, Non-Denominational Christmas Play," with music by Philip Glass (far right).

Modern Romance

in·sin·u·ate

/inˈsinyo͞oˌāt/

verb

1. 1.

   suggest or hint (something bad or reprehensible) in an indirect and unpleasant way.

   
   

   "he was insinuating that she had slept her way to the top"

   
   

   synonyms:

   imply, suggest, hint, intimate, indicate, let it be known, give someone to understand; informalmake out "he insinuated that she lied"

2. 2.

   maneuver oneself into (a position of favor or office) by subtle manipulation.

   
   

   "she seemed to be taking over, insinuating herself into the family"

   
   

   synonyms:

   worm one's way into, ingratiate oneself with, curry favor with;

This was one of thirty vocabulary words my ninth graders had to know for their midterm exam. Rather than have them regurgitate the definition, I asked a question that included the word in context: "How might you INSINUATE to a crush that you'd like to spend some time together?"

Because it was pretty easy to infer the word's definition based on context clues, it turned out to be a pretty easy question that pretty much everyone answered correctly. But what I didn't realize was just how much the answers would tell me about the art of romance. Here are my several answers to this question, thematically categorized.

BASIC

Asking the person to do an activity or go on a date with you.

I might ask my crush if they wanted to hang out.

"Hey, what are you up to this weekend?"

You could hint that you'd like to spend more time together by saying, "This night was really fun and I enjoyed spending this night you."

By asking when she's free

DIRECT

Say, "You are pretty cute, you know."

You are pretty and cute. I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink sometime. (He's fourteen, so I'll assume he means a Starbucks or something.)

SHY

You could send her a secret note.

EXTREMELY SHY

Send an e-mail through a bunch of shell accounts, so she somewhat knows it is you, but not a hundred percent. You can claim the e-mail was yours or you could say it was someone else's e-mail if something goes wrong.

SMOOTH

One could slyly hint at going to get food or something of that nature.

"I'm kinda bored because all my friends are on vacation and I have nobody to hang out with."

"Oh, we could meet up and do some homework together."

Say something like, "We gotta study more often if we're gonna pass this quiz."

You might say that you think their dog is really cute you'd like to meet the dog, hinting that you'd like to spend time with them.

You might show your crush a bad test score and try to get yourself invited over to "study" with them.

TRENDY

You could give them your snap and start a streak. (Had to ask around about this one. Apparently, it refers to Snapchat, which is a big part of romantic courting for a of teenagers. I'm so out of touch.)

CONCERNING, but SELF-AWARE

I would insinuate this by following her around anywhere she goes. That might come off as a little creepy though.