Things Not to Do at Concerts

Last night, I went to a rock show at Ottobar, a small club in Baltimore. The band was Nada Surf, a one-hit-wonder from the 90's, who unexpectedly reinvented themselves as an indie power pop band almost ten years after their initial radio success. They're one of my favorite groups, and it was my fourth time seeing them. I enjoyed the show, but what I really want to talk about is concert etiquette. Whether I want to or not, I spend a good chunk of most concerts observing the behavior of my fellow audience-members. It's not what I pay the money for, but it's kind of unavoidable. And as much as I enjoyed watching the band last night, my experience in the audience was a role call of almost every conceivable breach of the unwritten rules of concert decorum. It got me thinking that maybe I ought to attempt to record these rules, just so we're all on the same page.

To be clear, I don't consider myself the consummate Cool Concert Guy. (Actually, I felt I had fulfilled my Coolness Quotient for the evening just by virtue of showing up.) And - who knows? - maybe during the course of my concert-going career, I've been guilty of violating one or two of these rules myself at some point. But that doesn't make them any less valid.

Here are the big ones:

DON'T sing louder than the actual singer. Everyone is very impressed that you know all the words, but they paid to hear the band and not you. By all means, sing if you know the words, but it shouldn't be your personal goal to be heard above the P.A. system.

DO have regard for other people's bodies. Yes, people are packed into close quarters at rock clubs. And yes, upbeat, loud music tends provoke people to dance and jump and flail around. And yes, alcohol exacerbates the dancing, jumping and flailing. And far be it from me to tell people not to do dance, jump and flail at a concert - but there is a way to do these things without constantly smacking, jostling and stepping on the people around you. It's the whole "Your rights end where mine begin" thing. Realize that you are not alone in your room, starring for your own imaginary episode of MTV's The Grind. There are limits to what you can and should do.

DON'T pantomime lyrics to songs. This should go without saying, because it's so unbelievably dorky and annoying. But I have gotten stuck next to a pantomime before, and it sucked. Some of his moves included pointing at the band's lead singer to illustrate the word "you," and placing his own hands on his heart for "love." When you get to the point where you have hand motions for every word of every song, is it really about you? Or are you trying to impress everyone around you? (Not only do I know every word to every song, but I have gestures to go with them. Beat that!) SNL used to have a pretty funny recurring segment about the DeMarco Brothers, played by Chris Parnell and Chris Kattan, who danced to various popular songs with really over-the-top, literalized choreography. Here's them auditioning for Britney Spears. I like their take on the line "You played with my heart." But imagine standing next to these guys for two hours...

DO make sure that your dancing, swaying or general rock out is in proportion to the song. This entry is dedicated to the dude in front of me last night, who almost never stopped furiously pumping his fist - even during mid-tempo numbers. During ballads, he settled for simply raising his hand, as though waiting for someone to call on him.

DON'T yell out a request more than twice. It's probably not going to work anyway. I understand that people like to do it, and I generally don't mind it. although some people call out the names of the most obscure songs they can think of, as if attempting to prove their superfandom. That, I could do without.

*As an addendum to this rule, don't ever yell "Freebird." This joke, which was probably never funny to begin with, has clearly run its course. At this point, the only person worse than the guy who yells "Freebird" is the guy who is still amused by the guy who yells "Freebird." You're only encouraging him, dude.

DON'T ever air guitar. Seriously, don't. It's pretty much the dorkiest thing you can do at a concert. Clearly, it had no place at the concert I went to last night, though that didn't stop the guy next to me from trying to air-shred his way though a a four-chord love song. My friend Steve suggests that air guitaring is only appropriate at the Air Guitar Championships. (Yes, it's a thing and yes, I've been to them.) But actually, I'd argue that even then, the audience should leave the air guitaring to the professionals, such as they are.

DON'T assume you can return to your spot after you've left. The unwritten rules dictate that if you leave your spot on the floor - even if you have a good reason, like needing to go to the bathroom, or get another beer - the rest of the crowd is going to push up to fill your spot. I don't make the rules: I'm just the messenger. If you disappear, your spot disappears with you, and if you try to take it back, you do so at your own risk.

DON'T overdo it with the phones. Go ahead and a take a couple pictures. Go ahead and record ten seconds of a song. But otherwise, I'm with Adele: just relax and enjoy the experience. (Here's her calling out a fan. Preach on, Adele.) It's kind of a buzzkill to look around the crowd during one of your favorite songs and see nothing but phone screens.