Notes from the Receptionist's Desk

I've taught high school English for ten years now, and during that time, I've accumulated a wealth of funny anecdotes about my students. For a while, some colleagues and I maintained a shared Google document simply called The Database, in which we collected "highlights" of student writing. I still have that document somewhere, and it's definitely worth at least one post of its own.

This is my first (and possibly only) summer working at my school's front desk. It's an extremely simple job, consisting of three basic elements:

1 - Answering the phone and transferring callers to the extension they request
2 - Unlocking the front door when people ring the bell
3 - Sorting the mail

My favorite part about answering the phone is that I'm not really expected to provide any information - all I need to do is pawn off the call on someone who knows more than I do (which is to say, anyone else in the building). I've used the rest of my time at the front desk for: 1 - writing, 2 - reading, and 3 - binge-watching Making a Murderer on Netflix.

Because I don't have nearly as much daily human contact at the front desk as I generally have during the school year, I haven't collected nearly as many amusing stories. However, I've been fascinated by the handful of unusual calls that trickle in every day.

CALLERS WHO AREN'T AWARE THAT MANY PEOPLE SHARE THE SAME NAME

Me: Good morning, Boys' Latin.
Caller: Hi, is Cathy there?
Me: Depends on which of the six Cathys you are looking for...

OVER-EXPLAINERS

Me; Good morning, Boys' Latin.
Caller: Hi, my son is going to be a ninth grader in the fall. He is 5'5, 125 lbs. He plays lacrosse and he's thinking about cross country, but he isn't really sure. I think cross country tryouts already started, so I don't know if it's too late to try out for the team, but he's still interested and he was hoping to speak to the coach. Can you tell me if cross country practices are still going on?
Me: Uh, I'm not sure, but I can transfer you to athletics if you'd like.
Caller: Sure, that would be great!

CALLERS WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW EXTENSIONS WORK

Me: Good morning, Boys' Latin.
Caller: Steve!
Me: um... are you looking for Steve? I can transfer you over.
Caller: Oh, sure. Thanks.

Or my favorite...

Me: Good morning, Boys' Latin.
Caller: Hi! It's your sister!
Me: [thinking, why would Julia be calling me here before noon on a Monday.] um... this is Alex at the front desk.
Caller: Oh. Can you transfer me over to Jimmy? This is his sister!

CALLERS WHO JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHO ELSE TO CALL

Caller: Hi, I'm looking for a reputable florist.

Caller: Can you help me out? I'm trying to rent out your football field for my eight-year-old's birthday party.

Caller: Do you know where I can rent a van?

OBVIOUS SCAMS

Me: Good morning, Boys' Latin.
Automated Message: HELLO THIS IS YOUR SECOND WARNING FROM THE I.R.S.
Me: [hangs up]

And, of course, this absolute gem, which I can only assume was totally inept attempt at a scam...

Me: Good morning, Boys' Latin.
Caller: Hi, I'm looking to speak to the owner please.
Me: ... the owner?
Caller: Yes, the owner of the boys - (ABRUPT DIAL TONE)

OTHER OBSERVATIONS

I take pride in changing my greeting from "Good morning, Boys' Latin" to "Good afternoon, Boys' Latin" at exactly noon every day. It's called professional integrity.

Yesterday, B.L. received an automated call from the Donald Trump campaign. I present this without comment.

At around hour six of my shift yesterday, I clipped my fingernails. It probably wasn't the most professional thing I could have done.